Theological Logic

Using the same shady logic that theists use, you can prove all sorts of things! It’s great fun. Please leave your proofs for the ridiculous and absurd in the comments below!

Logic: Fail

God Made Me Do It!

Awesome, a world view that absolves me of my responsibilities toward my fellow humans.

Responsibility: FAIL

Theists and Their Moral Abyss

Have you ever heard theists say something like “without religion you cannot be moral”? I guess they would know what is right and wrong with god on their side, wouldn’t they? Luckily theists even have a moral guide book, the bible, to settle some of the more contentious issues.

Leviticus 25: 44-46

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.”

Yet another fine example of religious extremism. Maybe we should start entertaining the notion that religion clearly has no claim over morality.

Morality: FAIL

Ground zero Mosque vs Catholic church locations: The hypocritical debate

A fantastic quote by John Oliver with a little sarcastic humour to make the point:

There is a difference between what you can do and what you should do. For instance, you can build a Catholic church next to a play ground. Should you?

From The Daily Show with John Stewart August 16, 2010 episode

Now, quite obviously I am not a theist, and I believe that theism is a force that tends to drag people into drooling fits of intellectual despair, but having said that I think that it is important to let people explore their beliefs and to worship how they see fit. I don’t go to church myself, and I don’t really like that so many people do, but I don’t try to prohibit peoples religious beliefs. Although I would prefer it if people would abandon their religious superstitions all together, I find it hypocritical that so many non-Muslim people in the US would try to deny the religious freedoms of Muslims by trying to prohibit the building of a Mosque at the old site of the World Trade Centre.

Religious Freedom: FAIL

Theists: On dinosaurs

I don’t like calling people stupid. Luckily theists tend to save me the trouble.

Logic: FAIL

Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani to be stoned to death for alleged adultery

Iran’s Islamic government has sentenced Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani, a mother of two, to be executed for committing adultery. In 2006, Sakineh was sentenced and lashed 99 times for her alleged crime. Now a judges panel has re-examined the case and decided that she should be put to death by the archaic practice of stoning.

“Ashtiani, 42, will be buried up to her chest, according to an Amnesty International report citing the Iranian penal code. The stones that will be hurled at her will be large enough to cause pain but not so large as to kill her immediately.”

For a more complete account of the story click here. There is a Facebook group which people can join to show support.

On Trial: Islamic Religious Values

Verdict: FAIL

God suffers from bipolar disorder

After an exhaustive 30 second internet search, I have been able to find evidence that god suffers from bipolar disorder.

Consistency: FAIL

Slavery: God says it’s alright

“…the 1863 photograph of a slave who had been savagely beaten by his overseer. The gracefulness of man’s pose contrasts sharply with the stunning gruesomeness of his wounds, capturing the horror of slavery.”

Source: The National Archives

Now I know that this looks bad, but don’t worry because a god said that it is okay to enslave people. Don’t believe me? Check the bible:

Leviticus 25: 44-46

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.”

Now I am sure that I have just gone and taken this out of context again, so please feel free to explain exactly what moral we are supposed to get out of passages like this one?

Morality: FAIL

The Catholic Church oral sex logo of 1974

Below is the 1974 logo for the Catholic Church’s Archdiocesan Youth Commission. The logo was designed by Gerry Kano. I am not quite sure why, but apparently this logo won an award. Perhaps it was the “Truth in Advertising Award”. Well, the writing was certainly on the wall on this one. I wonder if the people who approved this design had all taken vows of celibacy and just didn’t realize what oral sex actually looked like.

Classy: FAIL

Alien Versus Predator. Sure they’re both monsters, but one says he has god on his side.

Catholic Morality: FAIL

My quest to get excommunicated.

Apparently the Catholic Church doesn’t like to give up its members very easily. A friend of mine and I tried to get ourselves excommunicated about 12 or 13 years ago by sending a letter to the Vatican declaring our dislike for the church. We even had a party scheduled to celebrate. Unfortunately, the Pope never got back to us (don’t worry, the party went ahead anyways).

Last year (2009) I decided to give this another try. I sent the following letter to the Pope and to my local bishop, and again, no reply. This year I resent a copy of this letter to the Pope and company, and included a link to my blog so that they could witness the result of my apostasy. I am eager to hear back from them, and have every intention of having another excommunication party when they finally come to their senses and get rid of me. If they do not get rid of me, then presumably they think that I am a worthy member of their clan, and as such I wonder if I could get on some sort of guest speaker circuit. I have some interesting ideas that I would love to share with their flock.

I will keep people posted on the details of this effort, and if/when I am successful, then I would be more than happy to help others to disaffiliate themselves from the Catholic cult. There is a fairly good article here on how to get yourself excommunicated. Without further adieu, here is a copy of my letter:

Dear Sir, … I am writing to inform you that I am an atheist. I do not believe in a god. I do not believe that any conscious force created the universe. I do not believe that Jesus Christ is the son of a god, and I do not believe that he was born of a virgin. I do not believe that people are killed and then come back to life, and thus I believe the story of the bible is much like a child’s fairy tale. I do not believe that there is a heaven or a hell.

I do believe that the Catholic Church is not, in principle, different than any other sect or cult. I believe that the Catholic Church instills fear into its followers so that it can wield power over them. I believe that controlling people through fear is immoral. I also believe that the Catholic Church operates in an authoritarian manner and I object to the way that many groups of people, such as women and homosexuals, have been denied the rights and dignity which they deserve.

I find it sad that the Catholic Church pushes religion on people when they are young and incapable of making their own decisions, and this speaks volumes about the lack of conviction that the Catholic Church has in its own ridiculous story. It seems that you do not expect that grown rational people will accept your faith as true, so you indoctrinate them from a young age through threats of eternal suffering and promises of eternal bliss. I detest the ignorance that you instill in people and mourn the loss of rational debate on important matters caused by the religious superstitions that you peddle.

As a principled and rational person, it pains me that someone, somewhere may be counting me as an adherent of an irrational superstition which has done and is doing irreparable harm to humanity and with which I profoundly disagree. Please remove my name from the records of the church, and record that I am no longer a Roman Catholic. Please send me confirmation of this action. Please do this as soon as possible.

Catholic Common Sense: FAIL

Jesus appears in the asshole of a dog. Possibly an apology for being an asshole.

Prominent theologians believe that this sighting of the lord on the rear end of a dog is quite significant, noting that when you spell “dog” backwards, you get “god”. A church official, who requested to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying:

“I believe that God is trying to send us a message from this miracle. I believe that he is apologizing for being such an asshole back in the early days of the bible.”

Is this an apology or a coincidence? If you are religious, I guess it doesn’t really matter what you believe since you don’t really have to justify your beliefs on reality anyways.

Common Sense: FAIL

Gandalf Christ: Creator of the universe

Some things that Christians know:

1. You should always kill a person that commits incest. (Leviticus 20: 11) Well, at least God was consistent with this one and killed himself after he impregnated his own mother. See previous post called God, the original motherf*cker.
2. You should always kill homosexual people. (Leviticus 20: 13)
3. Also, you should never kill anyone. “Thou shalt not kill”. (Exodus: 20: 13)

If you are confused, then I am afraid that Christianity is probably not for you. If all of this makes perfect sense, then I guess you meet the intellectual requirements to believe that Gandalf Christ is your supreme leader.

Logic: FAIL

The Holy Bible: Parental Advisory Explicit Content

Considering the content (human sacrifice, rape, murder, and slavery for example) of the Bible, perhaps we should launch a campaign to include parental warnings for the “good book”. If we need to attach warnings to music, movies and video games that contain mature content, then logically it follows that we should put warnings on the Holy Bible as well, since it certainly contains some very disturbing content. This way we could protect young people from being exposed to graphic content before they are old enough to understand the content and make informed and rational decisions for themselves. Oh, right, religious indoctrination is more successful if you begin when people are young because they have not yet learned to question things and think for themselves.

Religious Values: FAIL

Mormons: The second “m” is silent

Mormon (Pronunciation)

As evidenced by the wearing of the ritualistic garments below, the etymology of the word “Mormon” was obviously derived from the word “moron”, which came from the Greek moros, and means “foolish or dull”. Although an unusual move, by naming the religion in such a refreshingly honest and forthright manner, the Mormon faith has accurately identified their target audience. As demonstrated by the number of followers of Mormonism, truth in advertising really can work.

Intelligence: FAIL

A fine example of why religions can be so offensive

A list of the assertions made by the theist in this video:

1. You deserve to go to hell.
2. I will enjoy eternity in heaven, even though I know you will be writhing and screaming in agony, and I worship the God that came up with that system.
3. I know more about the origin of the Universe than every single scientist on the planet.
4. Women who weren’t virgins on their wedding night used to be killed by having stones thrown at them. It was an appropriate punishment at that time.
5. Homosexual people aren’t worthy of the same rights as everyone else.
6. Anyone who doesn’t believe in God is a fool. It says so in the Bible.
7. Scientists are wrong about evolution and I’m right about creationism. I know more than them.
8. My God thinks that you’re worthy of nothing but eternal torturous damnation and I don’t dispute that.
9. The slavery in the Bible was OK. What the slaves wanted is irrelevant.
10. My God is real and every other religion but mine has it completely wrong.
11. Killing children has always been fine as long as my God says to do it.
12. I’m fine with women being told to submit to their husbands. The infallible book that demands that is holy in my opinion.
13. People who disrespect God’s prophets do deserve to be torn apart by wild bears. Those children had it coming.
14. I’m in communication with the supreme intelligence of the universe, so really, how likely is it that I’m going to be wrong about something?

It’s a good thing that the various gods are such pricks, otherwise you’d think that their followers were just mean people, but as it turns out religious followers are just doing what they are told. Hmmm, where did I hear that excuse before? Oh yeah, that was Adolf Eichmann, the architect of the Holocaust who justified his actions by claiming that he was “just following orders.”

Hmmm, maybe blind faith isn’t such a great thing. Maybe people of faith should be questioning the teachings of their supposedly “all loving” gods.

Humble: FAIL

God, the original motherf*cker

Don’t get pissy with me over the title of this post. I didn’t write the story, I’m just reporting it the way it has been explained to me.

Let’s go through it from the beginning:

1. God and Jesus and the holy spirit (whatever that is) are all the same being.
2. God impregnated Mary
3. Jesus (who is really god) is Mary’s son, but refer to #1.
4. Thus, Jesus impregnated Mary.

Leviticus 18: 6-7

“No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD. Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her.”

I don’t want to rain on the parade here, but doesn’t that make god, or Jesus or the holy spirit a sinner?

Incest: FAIL

God has poor social etiquette

God can be so rude. Personally, I would not tolerate it if my friends acted like god. Frankly, I would have expected better from an all loving being, but millions are willing to overlook the facts of the ghost leaders hypocrisy.

Lyrics from Family Guy hymn praising god for being difficult to read:

“God you are so cool, although sometimes it’s like what’s the deal? You never answer your cell phone, and your messages are often ambiguous. Amen.”

At Issue: God’s Social Graces

Verdict: FAIL

If you are without a god, then you are without morals! Who said believers were arrogant?

There is a popular argument that theists present, which claims that you cannot be moral without god. From this it follows, therefore, that atheists eat babies. Bon appetit!

Logic: FAIL

Jesus Christ was a conman: Jesus’ miracles explained.

In a remarkable feat of deception, the man known as “Jesus” was able to con his way into the hearts of incredibly gullible people around the world using tricks like the one depicted in the video below. It is shameless that Jesus would take advantage of people in such a way, particularly when you consider that his unwitting victims were of less than average intelligence as seen in this chart.

Some of Jesus’ most famous tricks are:

1. The famous 1 = 3 trick, often referred to as the Trinity trick.
2. My blood is actually wine trick, which was used to explain his propensity for hanging around with prostitutes.
3. The resurrection, also known as the dead =  alive trick, which is also referred to as the “holy shit, these people will believe anything trick”.

Common Sense: FAIL

Prayer, completely ineffective, but still trusted by those who don’t understand things like evolution

Though the Dark Ages are long gone, it amazes me how the vast majority of the population of the world still prays to an imaginary figure that shares many characteristics with Santa Clause. If it were harmless it wouldn’t really bother me. Trusting prayer to take care of your problems is a cop out, and in many cases can create dangerous situations. For example, check out this absurd situation in the “Science vs Prayer” post.

Prayer: FAIL

The Dark Ages. Brought to you by Christianity

Ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world without cancer? Well, we might have attained that by now if it weren’t for the Dark Ages.

Progress: FAIL

Don’t worry, all the bad things that happen are part of god’s plan

The assumptions about a god:

All good, All powerful, All knowing

If a such a god were to exist, then (goes the argument) why would it allow bad things to happen? For surely if it was all good, it wouldn’t want bad things to happen, and if it was all powerful then it would be able to stop bad things from happening, and if it was all knowing, then it would foresee bad events in time to prevent them. Therefore, any god that exists cannot have all three characteristics, since bad things do happen.

Then the theist says one of three things:

1. There isn’t really any evil (or bad things).
2. God has to allow us to have free will, and that leads to bad things happening.
3. God works in mysterious ways.

In response to the first point, what about murderers, rapists, and pedophiles? If you don’t think that those things are evil or bad things, then to each their own. I would suggest that if you find others who share this belief, you should watch your back.

On the second point, if the bad things in the world are a result of god giving us free will, then you have must have forgotten that this god thing is supposed to be all powerful. It seems that one of the benefits of having an all powerful god would be that it would have the power to give us free will without creating any evil/bad things as a consequence.

In response to the third point. Cop out! This isn’t an argument but an admission that you have no reason to believe what you do, which coincidentally is usually one of the prerequisites to being a “good person of faith”.

Don’t be too upset though, this argument doesn’t conclude that a god doesn’t exist, just that it isn’t all good, all knowing and all powerful. It can still have two out of the three characteristics, which would explain a lot about the Old Testament. The god in that book sounds like a bastard. You know like a god that was only:

1. All knowing and all powerful, but not all good (Tyrant);
2. All powerful and all good, but not all knowing (Idiot); or
3. All good and all knowing, but not all powerful (Well meaning, but kind of useless).

God’s Plan: FAIL

Religion: Not thinking for yourself never felt so good

Urgent Public Service Warning: When engaging in the religion of your fancy, be absolutely sure that you don’t think. I’ve got it on good authority that the various gods hate independent thought!

Independent Thought: FAIL

The Holy Bible: Slave operators handbook (wrong on so many levels)

We are doubling up on this God fail. Not only does the bible sanction slavery (obvious equality issues), but it also tells you how severely you are allowed to beat them (obvious compassion issues). Honestly, how can anyone who has ever read this shit actually think that any faith based on it is worth following?

Well, you know what they (religious folks) say. The bible is not to be taken literally. Fair enough, and frankly, I hope not. But if we don’t take this literally, then what is the moral which we can take away from this slave operators manual? Seriously, fill me in!

Exodus 21:20-21

“If a man strikes his male servant or his female servant with a staff so that he or she dies as a result of the blow, he will surely be punished. However, if the injured servant survives one or two days, the owner will not be punished, for he has suffered the loss.”

Take note, that although killing a slave outright is “punishable”, beating a slave so hard that they suffer a couple of days before dying is alright.

Compassion: FAIL

Equality: FAIL